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New Year's Eve doesn't mean a fancy night out to dinner and then a huge party with friends, drinks and loud music for this parent.  In fact, I don't think I've ever had such a celebration on the last night of the year.  Maybe that's why, with four kids in tow, I'm not terribly resentful that my plans for the night include a homemade dinner, sparking grape juice, a dvd and leftovers from a 6 pack of pear cider (my fave) for the hubby and me.

Everything in due time.  It's a good lesson for me.  Be patient.  Enjoy every moment.  Take my time.  If I can't enjoy it, change my perspective until there's something to be grateful for. 

I'll toast to that, if we're still awake.

(photo from everystockphoto.com, by a_glitch)

To make this coming year's lists, I have to know where I'm going, what my priorities are and what I'll be doing.  For me, I work in categories.

• Home

Cleaning : Chore lists are going to be key this year.  The kids do better when they know what they're supposed to do and don't feel like we're just making up things for them to do.  I'm going to listen to FlyLady.  She's got a good thing going, and if I want to keep things decluttered around here, I'll have to take it seriously.  Of course, one of my favorite magazines has wonderful, printable resources -- visit Real Simple for some real inspiration (there are categories and lists for everything, so make sure your ink cartridge is full!).

Outside :  I want a productive garden this year.  I'm going to outline my tasks and actually try to get them done this year.  I'll be looking to our local extension office for guidance.  Yours is a valuable resource, too.  I'd also like to check out this book on "Edible Estates" and implement some designs therein!

• Family

Kids :  It's mainly their activities I need to keep track of to plan my chauffeur schedule.  Also needed are necessary home practice times.  We're also working with Earth Scouts.  Even if it's just our family, we want to make this a part of our kids' awareness, so we'll have at least monthly activities.  Asking the older kids what their priorities are makes sure that we're all on the same page and will reduce friction later.

Parents : We're busy, too. Aikido, BirthNetwork, church, etc., all take time.  We need to make sure we coordinate our times or have a sitter available.  Calendar sync, anyone?

• Food

Menu, menu, menu : Preparation, communication and dedication.  No junk food this year.  I have an extra 40 pounds that tells me I can and must just say "no."  :)  I'll defer this back to a previous post.  Ideas are always welcome, and I found another site (SavingDinner) I'll have to explore.  There are always wonderful cookbooks, too, and the bookstores usually have a plethora on the bargain book tables.

• Work (for me, this is mostly birth-related and/or volunteer-based)

Discernment :  This year is the year I decide what I'm doing with my life.  This is almost as important as what I'm being.  Both are crucial, will take time and insight.  I have clues; it's the putting it all together part and implementation that are the kicker.  I also have to decide if I'm doing too much, not allowing myself enough time to be.  I hope I'm not the only one with this issue!  Keeping a list of all I'm involved with and committed to truly helps me be fully aware and not fall too far behind.

• Self-nurturing

Exercise. Creativity. Retreats. Dates. Self-discipline.  While this category is self-explanatory, it is also the one that most often falls to the wayside.  This is the one where we need absolutely everyone around us to cheer us on, help keep us motivated.  This is probably where our daily schedule comes in more handy than a list.  We deserve at least an hour a day, right?

May we all be inspired to be organized and motivated.  May we go forth and continue doing all the good work we do.

A friend of mine recently said that snow without accumulation is just cruel.  Well, I would add that a snow day without snow is equally cruel.  We don't have snow, but apparently some areas had enough ice (not our side of town) to cancel school.  We do have frigid temperatures for our area.  Husband said it "hurts" outside.  The kids played outside for all of about seven minutes.

So, the kiddos are home today . . . inside.  Thankfully, one went off for the day with a friend.  A friend of mine joined us for half the day, adding a few more boys to the mix.  We spent the morning cooking and conversing.  As lovely as it was, I have the sense of dread that my sleeping hours are going to become working hours as I struggle to finish these gifts I have planned.  June.  I must start Christmas in June!  There's a reason for the "Christmas in July" phrase, after all.  Hopefully I'll remember that, and you will, too, so you can hold me accountable for next year!

But it is a wonderful time of year.  I have lots of materials to work with.  Our heat is fixed.  Slowly, a few gifts are appearing under the tree.  I baked bread and cornbread this morning.  The beans are cooking, and the house smells warm and yummy.  Christmas carols get played every so often, either on the CD player or on the piano.  May my temper subside and let me revel in our abundance of life and love.

May your family be so blessed.

Our heating unit has been sporadic at best, so at night we make sure the kids are dressed warmly and snuggled underneath layers of sheet, quilt, comforter and random blankets.  This night in particular, I knelt beside our youngest one's bed.  She was too fussy to cradle hold and rock and sing to sleep, so I tucked her in, topped off with her "baby" and hummed softly.

Her eyes blinked slowly, heavily, for just a few moments before closing for sleep, but she reached her arm out toward me and felt my hand lying nearby.  By this time the cat had joined us, purring warmly, deeply, as a black cat does.

Autumn rested her hand in mine, and I let the energy flow back and forth between us.  I was letting go of my crap from the day, hoping it was going somewhere else than to her.  I sent up a prayer that I needed Divine Love to flow into her.  I was empty.  I just wanted to be a channel.  I didn't have to be the wonderful mother I always hope to be; I just wanted her to receive and be filled with Love that was greater than us both.

Through our hands, I wanted her to experience love.  In that warmth I hope she felt the comfort of what I call Christ's love, though you can call it Love or Grace or any other name.  To even give it a name is limiting what it really is, for in truth, it can only be experienced.

Exchanging this type of love doesn't have to be between a mother and child or even between just family and friends.  Every time we shake hands, offer a smile or look sincerely into another's eyes, we have to potential to exchange the energy of unconditional Love.  It's all about intention and surrender.  Sometimes it's easier when we already feel beaten and exhausted.  When we feel like we're at the top of our game, when our ego is doing just fine, it's easy to believe we've got it all under control.

As much as I hate to admit it, I appreciate the lessons that show me I have little control in this life.  There are forces greater than me at work.  The best I can do is be the conduit for the Love that binds us all.

I am grateful to my little one for giving me a glimpse of that this night.

Actually, the title should say "Much Needed Mommy Me Time." 

Once we become mothers, our identity as an individual woman is lost.  Birth is greater than bringing a new life to the world, as huge as that is.  Birth also ushers in our motherhood, full force.  We agree to be responsible for growing a body and nurturing a soul and may consent to continue to nurture said being for the rest of our living days.  So here I am, in the thick of "nurturing" and realizing that I need to take care of myself so I can better care for those who depend upon me (a recurring theme, I know).

Part of my care includes recognizing myself as a woman.  My needs are not only the needs of the family.  To keep my life in perspective, I have to carefully evaluate what I need to feel like I'm fully living my purpose.  Not everyone feels this way, and it's important to know what your personal needs are.

A friend of mine and I are doing a baby-sitting swap.  For frugal mothers (whether of desire or necessity) who seek their alone time, this is solid gold.  It's giving and receiving.  Today I got to go to the library and browse in the upstairs section.  It doesn't matter that we were at the library yesterday.  I can't remember when last I checked a book out for myself.  After the library, I went to a local bookstore.  It was time to buy an '09 calendar, and they had some beautiful ones.  Not every time for me includes an expense, but it is a reward to myself for all the work I put into this family-rearing that justifies my purchases when I make them.  (Hope you agree, dear.)  ;)

Now this evening we enjoy our church's meal before the service (trans: "I don't have to cook").  After the short, kid-friendly/chaotic service, I facilitate a women's spirituality circle.  The church provides a nursery.

I know it doesn't always take a village to raise a child, but I'm a firm believer that it helps greatly.  If nothing else, it makes for better mothers.

Ten years ago yesterday, my husband and I went to our 37-week check up to find out that we were going to the hospital to be induced due to pre-eclampsia.  I was huge and swollen but felt fine.  I wouldn't be going back to class, though.  (I was still in college at the time.)

Ten years ago this evening, around 7:45 to be more accurate, our baby girl was born in the hospital, and I morphed from a pregnant mama into a mom -- drugged, clueless, bewildered.  I had just done the hardest thing ever, experienced the greatest pain ever, was in the hospital for the first time in my life as a bed-ridden patient, and now I was responsible for a baby I couldn't even see or care for properly.  It may be easy to understand now why I work closely with pregnant mamas and support other mothers.

I teach Bradley classes to help all who want to be healthy and know about the process, all who don't want to walk into their birthing situations not knowing what's going on.  I serve as a doula selfishly because it is a window into a sacrament of life, in my opinion, but I also sacrifice my time to help others have a more calm, peaceful, empowered birth.  I hope to advocate for mothers, to help them when they feel they need it.  In my ten years as a mother, I have learned these things can make all the difference.  All these things help mothers in their role, in their lives.

Being pregnant and mothering is not always easy.  It's hard, frustrating and exhillarating all in a day, with windows of peace of calm (and not always just when the kids are sleeping, though that helps).  Time is our best teacher.  We cannot always go up to a woman and tell her the things that will make her "job" as mother easier.  I don't know that I would have listened and heeded such advice.  Many of us have to experience it for ourselves, learn in our own time.

So on this, my daughter's tenth birthday, I also celebrate the anniversary of my motherhood and revel in all the lessons I've learned along the way, a few of which I share on this blog, most of which I've either internalized or will experience again and again until at last I truly learn what it is I need to know.  I'll always be learning.  Whether we have one child or four (or heaven help you if you have more!), we will never fully know or understand everything.

As I kiss the kids good-night I always wish them peace and love and hope that when it's their turn to be parents, they will know more than I.  We do the best we can with what we have, which may sound cliche, but it's true.

We didn't plan the timing of our first child, whose birth was also induced, but maybe that's what I needed to become the mother I am.  Maybe I needed the divine intervention because Lord knows if I knew what I would be getting into, I may not have been humble enough to choose this route!

Blessings and gratitude to my eldest child and to all us mothers who should celebrate our motherhood daily if for nothing else than for the fact that we are doing our best.  The rest is out of our hands.  Here's to the decades to come.

*Cheers!*
 

Finally, I see where all the fall colors come from.  So often each tree changes to its one color, then the leaves drop and become the brown, crunchy mass.  This past week, I've seen trees in all shades, from blazing orange to fiery red to brilliant gold.  Yesterday I even saw one of the most beautiful fall maples with shades from green to yellow and red to orange.  If I hadn't been driving, I think I would have stopped to bask in its brilliance.

There's no doubt we're in the midst of fall now; the leaves are quickly dropping, the nights are cold, the holiday goods are out in all the stores, and the lights being put all around the square.  Now I figure is a good time to be honest with myself and take a good look at where I am, who I am, what I'm doing and where I'm going.  I should have done this on my birthday, but I was too busy doing.  I'm getting signs that now would be a good time.  (I share this with you not to boast or brag or complain out loud but rather to encourage you to take time to do the same for yourself at some point.)

I ground myself in my writing.  To write, I must be still so as to receive the truth that is being channeled through me.  I have to be careful about my influences, for everything in my environment affects how I interpret any given moment.  When writing, I feel my closest connection to the Divine and feel that this is my right livelihood.  Going forward, I make a conscious effort to write more daily, be a productive writer and establish myself as such.

I craft to disperse the creative energy in a physical, practical way.  Perhaps if I channeled all my creative energy into writing, I wouldn't need to write more, but I enjoy greatly using my goods, giving handmade gifts and teaching the children how to make thin  Now I will increase my skills with what I have and make what I need or need to give.  I would like to make a few things well to sell in an Etsy shop.  That would be nice.

My relationships with others I feel has always been golden.  I do my best to be authentic with them, to listen well and to be participatory.  With my children and husband, I have to make a conscious effort to love myself well so that I may love them wholly.  We are currently seeking a family counselor so as to address our needs, for raising kids is harder than we ever imagined it could be.  We need some help, and asking for help is completely okay.  It's better to ask for help than to sink into despair, withdrawing from yourself and others.  May we be always honest, loving and respectful of ourselves and each other.

In the daily round, I am pleased with where my expectations are.  I've come a long way in understanding what I can and cannot do, steering myself away from the buckets of shoulds.  That's not to say I don't occasionally regress.  In a given day, like all mothers, I combine all my different roles.  I am at once a writer, wife, mother, spiritual seeker and birth advocate and educator/doula.  I'm sure that's probably not even all aspects of my being, but they affect most of what I do, day in and day out.

As with the leaves, I am constantly changing.  Where I am today differs from yesterday and tomorrow, but if I can hear what I need from and for my soul, then I can visualize it and try my best to make it manifest.  To do so, I need some quiet, some time for me.  Thanks, Casey, for giving me that time yesterday when I needed it so badly.  Thanks, Kaye, for listening.

My oldest daughter couldn't be more excited about tonight's festivities.  It's her first Halloween out from under Mom and Dad's thumb (though she'll still be with other parents).  Tonight she's out with her friends, and I am truly happy for her.  Thank God I know she has good friends!

While she'll be out, we'll still have the younger three to take trick-or-treating.  Whether we go around the block or to visit the grandparents, we're still not sure, but it will be low key for certain.  The less candy in the house, the better off we all are.

Truth be told, this weekend I have marked in my calendar as "GARAGE WEEKEND."  We have to get a handle on things . . . or at least a path through it all.  With the holidays creeping ever closer and much pottery to be made, the garage needs to transform into a clay studio rather quickly.  And, we just need to organize, put things where they go, make work areas usable, create storage.  Simple stuff, really; it's the time you have to take to do it.  It also isn't a one woman job, but getting my husband and myself in the same place at the same time while we're both awake is as tricky as ever.

When we're supposed to be knee deep in the garage on Saturday, it turns out the kids have choir practice until eleven or so, a children's author will be at the library at eleven, there's a concert we want to support (and is free) at the botanical garden at two, and we have to eat sometime without ordering out (gotta tighten the budget belt).  Sunday is family birthday celebration all afternoon after church, after which we go back to church for the choir performance for which I've been shuttling kids to rehearsal these past couple of weeks on my precious weekends -- as if my time is mine.

Therein lies a Truth in parenthood.  We make sacrifices every day.  We wade through the garage for years because it's more important to have clean dishes and laundry than a proper place for the bikes . . . or is it?  We make choices on what we will sacrifice.  Some days we make good ones, but most days we just make choices, knowing we will live with the consequences. 

Perhaps that's why we (okay, I) get so aggravated with the kids when they choose to do what they want to do even though I know the consequences won't be good.  (i.e. any given child doesn't want to clean his/her room and put away clothes today, and I know that in three days, it will be exponentially worse.)  We make our choices, pick our battles, and go through the motions of every day.  Hopefully it can be more of a dance, even if some days it feels more like a factory.

It would be nice if I felt more like a ballerina than a robot on Halloween.  Right now I feel like I could pass as a maid -- and not the sexy sort!

Letting go of extravagant birthday parties takes effort, and I am blessed to say that after eight years, I feel I have arrived at something.

My eldest daughter had an extraordinary "Blue's Clues" themed party for her second birthday.  Many adults, a few children and lots of chaos and expense.  She was exhausted at the end and didn't really feel up to opening her gazillion presents.  It was fun, to be sure, and maybe I was doing it because the next month assured the loss of her place as an only child.  Yes, I was nearly nine months pregnant.  I, too, was exhausted at the end of the day.

Fast-forward to our fourth child.

She's easy-going and doesn't need a thing.  We have planned a family party, but I'm not planning a big to-do.  The opportunity arose to have a playdate at the park today-- fun and very age appropriate.

Several moms and kids met us there.  I brought a cake I made.  We played and visited.  It's a beautiful day.  I had requested no gifts, but one "re-gifted" present was brought, which was perfect.  We were back home for lunch and nap-time out of routine, not exhaustion.

There's a time and place for the full-blown birthday parties, but I'm glad to know the difference and to appreciate the beauty of simplicity.

Naturally when I am relieved to have the youngest weaned, said toddler is found with diarrhea in the diaper this morning and later puking in the hall . . . then the living room this afternoon . . . then in the van right before dinner.  Guess what the scent of the day is.  It's been in my nose all day except when walking by the litter box that obviously needs to be cleaned by the eldest who promised to help when she had to have a new kitten.  That odor was even worse than the puke.  Yuck!  (I'll spare you any photos today.)

So little miss is sick, and I hear that the stomach viruses going around are highly contagious.  Hubby says we need to sleep and eat well so as to boost our immunities.  My quiet time boosts mine, I hope, because I'm doing a lot of late night working here!  If five more people get the funk, though, posts might become scarce for a bit.  I'm doing what I can to keep up with the laundry as it is!

I miss the benefits of breastmilk already -- even more now that I can't just hold the little one and nurse her into wellness.  Enjoy it while it lasts, my lactating friends.  God comes quickly to remind us that we are, indeed, human.  Making milk is a superpower, right?

May everyone be well and well-hydrated.  Now I'll have to hope that chicken noodle soup and the BRAT diet will suffice.  Of course, it's nothing that time, love and patience can't cure.