The rewards of the summer are in the bounty of the garden.

I took my youngest to the botanical garden yesterday, the older three being with their grandma, and we got to pick some purple beans (like green beans, only purple).  I brought our handful home, added them to our small bit of green beans and the small batch from our produce delivery.  We had a full bowl, and they tasted delicious.  I'm not sure if it was the purple beans or not, but they seemed to have a particularly buttery flavor.  Delicious.  (picture coming as soon as my obstacles are overcome!)

I've also taken our bounty of squash and zucchini, added some onions, bell peppers, mushrooms (all flavored with some hoisin sauce and a bit of soy sauce) and teriyaki chicken to make a stir fry, served with brown rice.  The kids raved and raved, much to my surprise.

If you don't have your own garden, take advantage of the local farmers' markets.  Use your imagination to create something from what's in season.  It's a good practice anyway and will add something new to your diet, and, chances are, you'll be glad you did.

Enjoy!

The wonderful thing about journaling, about writing for where you are in life at the moment, is that you can reflect on where you've come from, see if your thoughts are well-founded, see if your visions come true.  I wrote this entry almost two years ago.  Our sidewalk ended.  We leaped into the grassy field and wandered and faltered until we've eventually come back to where we were before.  Our gains were in experience and life lessons.  We're still walking.  How does your path go?

Visiting with an acquaintance at the grocery store, catching her up on our goings-on, I found a good description for where we are right now.  "It's like we're right here where the sidewalk ends, and it's going to take a leap of faith" to determine which path we make for ourselves.  So here we are.  Brace yourself.

For some reason, things have to come in clusters for us.  Having a baby would be enough excitement, but we also chose to homeschool the same year, build a bread oven in the backyard (starting right around the due date), and change jobs -- the latter being the main reason the sidewalk ends.  Our path has never really been the well-maintained, paved walkway, more the broken, uneven, weedy, less-traveled path anyway.  However, now for some reason, my husband feels compelled to leave the corporate realm he's been a part of since we've been married.  He, too, seeks authenticity, and I admire that.  He's also the monetary provider for our livelihood, though, and there are quite a few of us these days to feed, making his decisions weighty.  Before truly following his dreams, we have to make sure there are assets, something to rely on to pay the bills.  It will take time, a transition period, perhaps, that will be less corporate but still techy.

Responsibility doesn't have to mean certain doom.  We can have our families and our dreams; it just takes some juggling, fine-tuning and budgeting (in most cases).  I know I can't afford a housekeeper, baby-sitter and all the craft supplies I want!  I can keep journals, especially ones that honor my ideas and dreams.  I can carve out time for me on good days.  We can take our kids to events we feel passionate about or at least take turns going.  When need be, time will be spent to provide the monetary necessities.  Interestingly enough, we can create money.

When we are in a good balance, the Universe has a way of providing.  So here where even our rough old sidewalk ends and we have to jump to our next path -- probably the dirt trail through the grassy field and shady wood -- we have to be balanced before we can thrive, and we have to trust ourselves and the Universe to support our decisions.  Everything will fall into place.  May the Universe Shower blessings and creativity upon us just as the Leonids shower the heavens.  I may not be able to see them clearly because of the huge clouds in the way, but I know they're there.  When we are in vulnerable times in our lives, I believe it is ultimately important to listen to the still small voice that offers guidance, gives creative ideas, tells you to rest or to work.  We all need Divine help to find balance, and it's a lot easier to jump if we feel we're going in the right direction.  We do love our walks in the woods, and I'm loving my abundance of creative energy -- it may just provide the bridge or net we need right now.

With most of the kids away, my husband and I find ourselves with a bit of quiet time together.  Over dinner last night he wondered aloud what we would do if we didn't have all these yahoos around all the time.  I'm sure we could think of something, but having a list like this on hand makes it easy to choose.

We watched a movie together.  That's basically free, entertaining, and we can lie together on the couch, sharing reactions and commentary.  This is delightful, don't get me wrong, but I'm wondering about when the kids are busy all the time or moved out, the house relatively clean and we're left together over dinner and the rest of our lives.  Will we get tired of each other?

I ask these questions so you can ask them yourself, too.  Where are the strengths in your relationship?  What do you need to work on?  Movies, candles and massages will only take you so far.  What else can we do to keep our love renewed? 

Here's a list of some things I enjoy doing and hope to do with my partner in life, and you'll notice not all of it revolves around idealistic romance.  Thinking that romance and true love revolve solely around sex is like thinking that keeping a house clean is about making sure the bed is made and the toys kept up; it's just not that simple.

Being a creative romantic every day:

• Share coffee/tea in the morning before kids are awake (obviously a goal of mine, but when we heard a friend made the coffee for her husband before work, I noticed my husband's eyes lit up)
• Take a bath together more than once a year
• Weekly massages
• Get hot and sweaty doing yard work or some other non-sexual workout together
• Share a shower at least once a week
• Tea and talk before bed, after kids are asleep -- check in on goals, dreams, hopes, worries -- just be sure to finish with resolve and happy thoughts
• Hold hands while walking
• Hold hands while driving (at least for a couple of minutes, not in heavy traffic!)
• Kiss daily
• Share the household chores
• Practice positive communication:  if you have to criticize, offer five compliments before you critique or ask for something
• Respect each other's space
• Express emotions honestly, to yourself first and then to the other
• Realize it takes more energy to be angry than to let go
• Leave notes for him to find -- we like the SHMILY (See How Much I Love You) notes left in random places, and I like to leave notes on his napkins if I make his lunch
  
• Talk to each other throughout the day
• Go out to eat and share your food, or at least a dessert together, from the same dish
• Know his favorite foods and try to make a dinner for him at least once a month
• Occasionally give him a weekend day to do what he wants -- sleep, read, video games, etc.
• Do you ever wear your sexy lingerie?
• Sort through your clutter at the same time, you through yours, he through his; this keeps both of you on task and keeps you from making possibly hurtful comments
• Make or buy him something you know he likes, a card, a shirt, a blanket, a hat, a piece of art . . . something that every time he looks at it or uses it, he'll know you love him
• Maintain a good relationship with his parents if you have one
• Take turns picking the movie on movie night
• Be kind to his good friends
  
• Let him take you out on a date of his making
• Slightly embarrass him in public by telling others in casual conversation some of the wonderful things he does for you
• Whisper in his ears
  
• See in him daily the young man you loved from the start

This is just a list of some little things we can do to nurture our relationships.  I didn't include the bigger things we hope to do together, like go to Europe, travel all the states, go to a Zen retreat together, etc.  Most of these items are free, save for your time and loving energy.

Feel free to share your ideas.  I'd love to read them.  Happy romancing.

The proverb says if at first you don't succeed, try and try again, right?  Well, I did, and I wasted at least two pounds of clay.

With the kids out of town and the littlest one sleeping, I decided to revisit the ol' pottery wheel.  It's an electric, so I feel like it's just a machine.  The clay, on the other hand, comes from the earth, so I feel like it can have a mind of its own.  At least, that's what I'm going with.  I tried with at least three helpings of clay and at least a dozen times to get it centered today so I could make a vase or even just a small bowl.  It wasn't happening, and I could feel my temperament sinking, even with my now awake daughter watching me.

Thoughts going through my mind:  Perhaps I am not a potter.  Of course I'm not a potter; I'm a writer.  But everyone can write.  Can't everyone wield some clay?  I'd just like to make something nice for someone.

Why won't this center?  Am I not centered?  Are my arms that weak? My husband says that it's not about your upper body strength.  You don't have to strong-arm this.  Then why the hell is it knocking me around???

I'm not a quitter, but I know when I need to stop and get a new perspective.  I cleaned everything so that it will be nice for my husband when he decides to use our last bit of clay.

How many times do you not succeed before you give yourself permission not to do something?  (I'm trying to keep this as optimistic as possible; pardon the double negative.)  My thinking is that the answer is not simple.

Rather than try to make a concrete decision as to whether or not I'll accept my fate as a non-potter, I'll take the lesson that I have more to learn and more practice to do.  It's a hard lesson to take, but our number of practices is determined by how well we can accept the current moment for what it is, no matter what we are doing or want to do.

I need to exercise my patience better.  I'll stop by the clay studio and ask for a reminder lesson.  And I'll practice more, if I can make myself take the time.  Some lessons take a while to sink in.  I am grateful for my time to grow.  No, really, I am!

It may not seem like it to you, but for some reason the thought crept into my mind this evening that via my blog I might sound idealistic, even "goody-goody" in my talk about using organic goods, being environmentally friendly, eating well, composting superbly, making my own things, and serving my community and the world to boot.  Heaven forbid I ever sound condescending.  Please tell me if that is ever the case, and feel free to use all caps (which I really can't stand!).

So I thought I'd offer a reality check.  Some days I'm a chauffeur, driving our '99 minivan that gets at most 21mpg on the highway, stopping in at Sonic on those jam-packed days for our burger and cherry limeades . . . oh, and fries or tots, too.  I shop at our local grocery about as much as at our local co-op.  I receive what is given to us, even if I know it's not fair trade.  I eat chocolate and sweets with the best of them, have my own insecurities and worries, and wonder if I'm doing what is best at least several times a day.  I procrastinate too much and have an infinite to-do list. . .

I share this with you because I think it's almost taboo in our society to admit what we think are our downfalls.  We seem to be stuck on appearances, facades, and there are many we can choose from if we can wear the mask well.  But it's our true friends that can call us on it -- better yet if we admit our hypocrisies or inconsistencies first.  Awareness and acceptance of our true selves are our first steps toward true change, right?

I'm becoming increasingly aware of what my shortcomings are, and my husband and I are on our way to outlining our true values.  While our reasons are economic in nature, I believe we'll have some personal revelations along the way, too.  That's a good thing.  It's also a good thing to evaluate your life every once in a while to see what is working for you and what's not.  Perhaps too many layers have built up, and it's time to be honest with yourself so that you can again be honest with others.

Is there anything that requires more courage than to be yourself, with all your imperfections and thus your beauty?  Let's reflect on that this weekend and not forget to keep the mirror clear.

I confess.  I spent most of the day in my pajamas, reading a book.  I managed a shower before my hubby came home, but barely.  I left the kids to their own devices, though I remained in the living room where I could see and hear all.  We ate our meals; thank God for cereal and leftovers!  Why am I sharing this on a craf-T day?


I spent all day Tuesday and Wednesday fully committed.  Not that I don't love that.  I love doing what I do and doing it well.  It's just that it consumes my finite amount of energy, which in turn drains my creative energy or allows it to get stagnant.  I have huge fever blisters telling me I'm not treating myself well.  Thus, a day off to recharge.  Plus, we got the next Alvin Maker book.  I started it a couple of days ago, reading the first four chapters or so, but you bet I finished it today.  Now I'm waist deep in the story and have to keep reading so as to know that the series ends well.  I also had to finish it today so that I could limit my day of near-neglect of children to only a single day.

Am I recharged?  I have to think so because there is much creative energy ready to burst at the seams.  Do I have time to do it all?  Maybe instead of reading I should have been writing or sewing.  But a good foray into a fantasy is nearly as good as any movie, and I haven't been watching much t.v. lately.

I'll just chalk today up as a day I babied myself, nursed myself, gave myself permission to do nothing strenuous.  As a mother of four, that takes a lot of creativity.  Now to look forward to Monday's massage.

I received an e-mail from a friend, forwarding me to a website.  I have to admit, I'm intrigued by the name "Girl Effect," but the video speaks volumes into one aspect of good we can do in our world.  I had to share.  If you don't think you can do anything, try contacting the Heifer Project, at least.  Do a search for loan programs for women in developing countries, also known as micro-credit loans.  I'm sure there's something we can do.

No, I didn't come up with this idea on my own.  Family Fun had an article in their magazine, which was given to me by a dear friend for an Earth Scouts activity.  The great thing is that most kids love anything with marshmallows and chocolate.  I felt a little bad about not having organic components for our s'mores, but pocketbooks are what they are.

Good to Know:

• It takes over an hour to bake if the sun's not at its hottest.  The chocolate melts pretty quickly, considering it was 90 degress, but marshmallows take a while.
• We fit three s'mores in our small-sized pizza box ovens.
• We reused some deli meat tray lids for the plastic tops, and when cut right, they fit as snugly as possible and didn't really need glue.
• Take pictures!  My regret is that I was too tired after an all-around busy day to take photos.
• Have clean-up items handy.  Melted chocolate = big messes.
  

Being waist-deep in summer vacation, you might think I have the kids in mind.  While the kids are very much on my mind, I'm actually thinking of the millions of Americans who have nothing better to do than watch t.v., which is happy to oblige, keeping us mindlessly preoccupied.

Life is happening all around you, and you can get as adventurous as you want.  Each one of us has the potential to make the world a better place, to contribute a positive energy to the universe as a whole.  Whether you take a walk in a neighborhood park, picking up a bit of litter on your way or whether you take your issue to D.C. to lobby with Congress, there is much to do.  You have the potential to do anything.

In a conversation with my husband, I told him that for every thing I do, there are at least ten other things I'm not doing -- four of those relating to something for each child, the other six relating to my high priority commitments/responsibilities.  He reminded me that actually there's an infinite number of things I'm not doing when I choose my one thing, and he's right.  Could it be this overwhelming feeling that bogs us down so easily that we get caught in a trap, stuck in the mire?

We have things we have to do, things we're supposed to do, things we should be doing, ought to do, want to do, hope to do, yearn to do.  I have to make dinner, am supposed to be doing laundry, should be visiting my grandparents, ought to catch up on my blog, want to write in my novel, hope to pay off our debt, yearn to go to Europe.  I'm sure your list is different, yet the same.

When I sit doing "nothing," it's not because I'm bored.  Overwhelmed, maybe, but not bored.  Never bored.  There's too much work to do, too many good things to be done, too much I hope to do.  Many of those things benefit the future of my kids.  Many benefit our home and ourselves right now.

As I watched over my daughter squeezing lemons for the first time, I reminded her that all we have is now.  She was tired of standing, tired of always waiting for something.  (She was in a frightful beastie state!)  I told her she could be waiting for something for the rest of her life and miss what's happening now.  Maybe a seed is planted in her subconscious.  I tried my best not to take it personal, not to get angry.

There's too much work to be done to waste energy on anger.  When you look at all you do or hope to do, I hope you realize that you aren't bored, either, and that you realize what you are doing is making our world a better place as well.  In the end, it may take a village, but in the beginning, it just takes one person to come up with a good idea.

Let's get to work.

It doesn't get better than this.  I gave my kids (at least half of them) something to do while I was making dinner.  It worked, tasted great, and there's more than enough for the rest of the week.

My husband notified me of a CRAFT post about homemade butter, told me about it, and I knew we had to give it a try.  CRAFT linked to this site here which has a nice photo and lovely instructions.



What we did:

Pint heavy cream put in a
Ball jar with lid (which did leak a little bit)



SHAKE and shake and shake some more

Chill to harden a bit (I put it in the freezer for a few for sake of time)

Use in mashed potatoes and on corn on the cob.

Now, to make some bread and/or muffins to try it out!


I should note that the directions said to drain off the buttermilk that's on the top when it first starts to harden.  Well, I don't know if we were just shaking too much or what, but we didn't have any buttermilk when I took the lid off to look, and it was already pretty thick.

Also, after being in the fridge for a day, it still has a whipped texture.  That could be from using heavy whipping cream and not just heavy cream.  I didn't think there was a difference, but I've been wrong before.  Perhaps that accounts for the lack of buttermilk as well.  Hmmm.

It's super easy, though, and I highly recommend it, especially since butter is so expensive.  Plus, it's a novelty.  What better gift than homemade bread and butter?  Now to find someone with extra baby food jars . . .

Have fun!

I finished The Feminine Face of God over a week ago and then launched into another read, apparently on a ravishing reading whim (or procrastination of my own writing).

First of all, The Feminine Face of God is a must-read, in my opinion, for those interested in women's spirituality.  It was first published in 1991, but women's stories are timeless in a way.  Also, the authors leave the story open, to be continued as it should be.  When I finished the book, I was left wondering what my story would be, what it will be.  Thought-provoking and delightful.

My next reads were highly recommended by a friend of ours.  She was amazed we hadn't read Orson Scott Card's The Tales of Alvin Maker.  Well, we hadn't, and my husbandwasquick to pick up a copy and read the first, The Seventh Son, then the second, The Red Prophet.  In my hunger for a new book, I picked  up the first, then the second about a month later.  I can't wait until we get the rest.  My husband is very patient.

In a way that Harry Potter takes you off to Diagon Alley and Hogwarts, The Tales of Alvin Maker takes you back to an "alternative" frontier America, the America alive with folk magic and Native American spirituality.  It is ripe with the conflict of the White man and the Red man, and the relationship of man with God.  This seemingly light read has touched me deeply.  I would like for my older daughter to read it, but I think for younger readers, parents definitely need to read it first to know what topics might come up, what scenes might need to be discussed.  Ah, I can't wait to read the rest of the series.

Now I also have other books going, books related to birth, vaccinations and breastfeeding.  Those are more out of necessity, though, than for fun.  A balance of both on the bedside table is a good thing, and reading a book, I've decided, is much more rewarding than watching a movie . . . most of the time.

No, it's not the holidays when the women in my family extend themselves further than Gumby would have dreamed to get all the decorating, cooking and shopping done.  Rather, to me it seems women are finding what it is they enjoy, what they feel passionately about, and are doing their best to follow their heart.

My mother no doubt feels a connection to her Native Indian roots as she searched for crystals and arrowheads in the earth.  A dear friend searches for how she can best satisfy her inner child while using her creativity to help others use theirs.  One of my childbirth students realized a scheduled cesarean section wasn't aligned with her natural lifestyle.  Instead, she learned all she could, kept up her physical fitness and had a wonderful waterbirth.  We all have the capacity to listen to our hearts, our inner voice that speaks to us the truth of our desires.

Whether it be a hobby, career choice or important decision, now is the time to listen and find your strength.  The Universe is as supportive as ever, and may we all delight in our sisters finding their universal strength.

I thought it would be timely to share some gardening tips.  Nothing new or revolutionary, just practical tips that might come in handy if you haven't heard of them before.  If you learn one thing, then I've done well.

Watering

• Rain barrels!  Who knew you could collect so much water even from 5 minutes of rain?  Making your own seems to be the most cost-effective method.  If time is a pinch, then buy one or four.  You can daisy-chain them, which is a goal of ours after we have one at every corner of the house.  Right now we just have two, and I've never run out.  I can't imagine having one this huge!  I use the water for the plants outside since we don't have a filter on the home water system yet.  The chlorine and other chemicals in the water are understandably hard on plants.
• Water in the early morning.  Mid-day the water evaporates too quickly and could be hard on the leaves.  After dusk the moist soil can attract more pests and can leave the roots too soggy.  If you can't get up and into the garden before 10am, then set up a sprinkler on a timer.  An exception might be for drip hoses, shaded by the plants' foliage.  I would think those would be okay into early afternoon and are ideal for conserving water.

Pests

• Companion planting works wonders.  I've planted radishes with cucumbers just for the benefit of the cucumbers, not because I'm fond of radishes.  If you can't find a companion, it's worth planting other beneficial flowers or herbs.  That's why marigolds are so common in gardens.  (And because they seed easily -- take the dead flower, open it up and sprinkle the seeds around.  Cover with a little soil, water, and you'll have marigolds soon enough.)
• If you wouldn't eat it, don't use it in the garden.  We promote organic gardening around here.  Sure, it takes a little time and effort, but isn't it worth not adding harmful substances to your family's bodies?  I suppose the exception is the minerals we add to the soil.  You wouldn't catch me eating compost, either!
• Don't be afraid to catch a bug.  When bad bug hunting, carry a container of soapy water.  It doesn't have to be big.  I caught about a dozen Japanese beetles the other day who were munching away on our raspberry bushes.  Catching the few that were there is better than using a trap and attracting even more.  Usually I let them eat away at our non-blooming wisteria if it keeps them out of the garden.  Hornworms die in the soapy water, too.  Fast-flying bugs are harder to catch, and squash bugs I just, well, squash.  I don't like squash bugs.  Wear gloves if you're afraid of the bugs.
• Egg shells are effective for keeping slugs at bay.  I rinse them off and keep them in a bowl by the kitchen sink.  After they're dry, I crush them down.  When I get a bowl full, preferably in early spring, I take them out and sprinkle them around the plants.  I wasn't as good about doing it this year, and the slugs are everywhere!
  
• Remember the beneficial insects!  You gotta love the worms, ladybugs, wasps, bees, even some ants and many more.

Weeds

• Newspaper makes a great biodegradable weed barrier, preferably just use the black and white print.  So does straw (so long as it's not hay).
• Toss the weeds to the compost pile.  Some say it's better to wait to add them until they've died.  We've done both.
• Be aware of volunteer plants when weeding.  Some of our tomatoes and melons are from volunteers.  Keep a keen eye out for those fledgling plants, especially around the compost pile!  You can move them if they're still small and in the way.  I've found that they grow best if they're left where they are, though.
  

Compost

• Okay, I've mentioned it more than once already, but I think all gardeners will agree this is one of the most important aspects of gardening.  Read up on it; there are over a million sites related to composting.  Learn what you can and start building up your pile.
• No meats, dairy or fats/oils.  We have read that you can have these things in your pile if you're careful as to what you add with/around it, but we have a rodent family around here, and I don't want to encourage a village.  I'm not particularly keen on the stench, either.  With just our fruit, veggie, coffee grounds, tea bags, weeds, twigs, soil, etc., we've got a good pile or two going, and I can stand to be around it.  If the top layer of scraps stinks a bit, toss some soil on it.
• Fancy gizmos aren't all they're cracked up to be.  We got a compost tumbler for our last house.  It stank, and we never got to use what we put into it.  Now it sits neglected.  I have it if anyone wants it!

Journal

• I have a garden journal (a spiral notebook with a cover I collaged), but most of the time I just use a sheet of paper to map out the garden.  This is handy so I know where I planted things the year before to prevent planting the same thing in the same spot.  Crop rotation has many benefits.
• Plan your calendar/seasonal chores.  Some books help with this, but I haven't found a favorite yet.  It also depends on where you live, what kind of plants you're working with.  It's best to put everything in perspective and have an idea of what you need to do when.  I know this, but it's practicing it that I'm having a hard time with!

I hope this helps in some way with your gardening.  If you have other tips to share, I'd love to hear them.   The best way to learn is from other's successes and mistakes, right?

Almost three years ago I started my little book of mini-essays, maternal meditations, if you will.  As much as I'd like to think I've climbed some mountain of achievement as I have filled the last pages, I realize I'm still in the foothills.  My kids aren't yet teenagers.  I'm sure those years will warrant their own book of assurances!  I still see and hear my mothers and grandmothers worrying about their children, welcoming them back into their homes, living daily into their role of mother, a.k.a. friend, confidante, nurse, shoulder, financier, comedienne, etc.

Looking hard at my current situation, my husband and I conclude that we don't focus enough quality time on the kids.  It's hard.  We are but two, they are four.  We both like to be involved in our community.  I like to keep a tidy house.  The kids only really like to do things if it's their own idea, even our toddler.

Yet another realization sets in, as lessons seem to be coming at me hard and heavy these days.  I've never wanted to have kids that resent me because I was too busy working on this or that or too adamant about keeping the house clean.  While I'm not likely to let go of the minimal cleanliness we have going around here, I know I cannot take on any more projects.  Any thoughts I have of going back to school or working in any way outside the home will have to wait at least another three or four years.  Right now I need to be the mother I say I am, the mother I want to be.

"I'm just a mother," I usually say when people ask what I "do."  After all, I don't want to make them feel bad for not volunteering as much as I do, and I don't want to make them feel bad for not spending more time with their kids.  But if I am to validate myself, devote more time to my kids, make my writing time spare and intense, then I shall declare, "I'm a mother of four exceptional children" (as my husband describes them).  If others offer that look of "oh, that's all?" then I shall ask if what they are doing is having as great of an influence on the next generation as nurturing four souls.  I'd like to think I would, anyway.

My gift, my charge, is maternal responsibility.  Being a good mother for my children now will only make me a better person later, no matter what I do when I get older . . . when I grow up.  :)  Besides, don't I always say that life is all about living in the moment?

When we go on vacation, I don't like to be the one behind the camera -- not because I want to be in all the photos but because I want to experience the real thing, photos or no.  May I be blessed enough to offer my kids the real thing.  May there be something, some way for me to be for my children a window to the Divine.  What greater responsibility is there?

I've wanted to buy some organic fabric for my sewing projects, but I just never took the step.  Rather, I just visited our local fabric store and bought what I wanted per the project, based on what was on sale.  Going forward, I would like to use the sites described here, and others if you have further suggestions.  After, of course, I've used the fabrics I already have.  Waste not, want not, right?

Here's the site that come up top of the list in Google for "where to buy organic fabric."
Great page, and she describes well a few of the options available.  She sounds like a fascinating woman, too.  Eight kids!!! Enjoy looking around, and let me know if you have any wonderful projects in the works.  I'd be happy to post photos of your projects.

Let it suffice to say some of  us have tough days, days when it seems the kids would be better off with someone else, days when you wonder if a dog for a Nana would really work . . . and where to get one.

When the blood pressure's rising, your head and heart are about to implode and you just can't take another moment, it helps to have a nursling.  Make a tea or pour some water for yourself and nurse till the hormones kick in.  If that's not an option, not to worry; there's another.

We have to be conscious. Even when we're angry, we have to be aware of what we do and say.  No one wants therapy bills later!  I'm sure there are books out there that have numerous suggestions, proven methods that work in regards to anger management.  My issue runs deeper than that, though.

I feel like my greatest commission is to live compassionately.  My greatest challenge, however, is to extend unconditional love -- true unconditional love -- to my immediate family.  It is easy for me to do this with strangers, even friends, but my family, well, that's another story.  Perhaps they are too close to me, too like me.  Perhaps they reveal that in me which I have yet to embrace or even acknowledge lovingly.  Whatever the reason, the same critical eye I hold to myself, I use toward my family.

I love my family, don't misunderstand me, but every day when I feel I'm not experiencing and loving with compassion, I feel I've failed.  I feel like I'm not showing them how to live right, causing them to fail, too.  So what to do when you feel like you're failing in your life's purpose?  Lord knows I don't have the Answer, but I have a hunch as to what helps.

Slow down.  Do the dishes and the laundry.  Sleep enough.  Drink lots of water.  Eat well, including a bit of a sweet treat -- just a bit.  Evaluate commitments.  Slow down and enjoy the kids.  Enjoy this time in your life.  Remember you're not alone.  Remember your purpose as a mother.  Realize that each day brings another lesson and that this, too, shall pass.

Just as my first suggestion was to nurse a child, my second is to nurse yourself.  Give yourself loving attention.  (I'm saying this to myself as well!)  We only truly fail if we do not learn from our mistakes.  We should pay attention to our lessons and learn what we can, even if at this moment it might just be a lesson on survival.

Our kids are always watching and learning, too.  Hopefully we can learn to show true compassion to ourselves so that is what they can take along with them as they grow each day.  We need to give ourselves time, and as long as we're giving and receiving love, we haven't failed at all.

The time is ripe for a reflection on our independence.  In the States, it's a big deal to be independent, as a nation and as an individual.  We'll take care of ourselves, and better yet, I'll do it on my own.  This philosophy works to an extent, but I think we all know that anyone with this sole mentality is destined to break at some point.

Rather than going full speed ahead till we crash and burn, let's look at our saving grace.  Politician I am not, so I won't pretend to understand the complexities of our global situation.  Furthermore, I'm not a historian to put our past and present in perspective, learn from mistakes and go forward in good conscious. What I know about independence, I've learned from being myself, especially a mother.

I've learned there's no such thing as true independence because undoubtedly we're dependent upon others in some way.  I depended on my parents and grandparents to provide my needs growing up, and they depended upon their financial resources, food suppliers, the economy, our government (state and federal), etc., etc.  In college I depended on financial aid and my friends for emotional, social and moral support.  My husband and I depended (and still do) on each other to uphold our responsibilities in our relationship.

And then we had a child.  Now we have four children.  Now we have people depending on us.  Day in, day out, four faces look to me for guidance, four bodies trust that I will provide food and shelter and four beings are in my complete care.

Suddenly I realized all my parents ever did for me, why my mom would get so upset when my brother and I fought or were ungrateful.  I consider myself lucky not to take my parents and grandparents for granted, even though I know I don't extend my gratitude and love often enough.  however, I also realize that neither they, nor I, go it alone.  We are all in this together, whether we want to admit it or not.  I think it's best taken as assurance, the saving grace.

So as I grow older it seems I learn daily how we rely on each other and work together, directly or indirectly.  It comforts me to think that we're all part of an intricate web, despite the oft-used cliche.  And as much as I like to think "I'll just do it myself,"  I need to get over myself and remember I do nothing solo.  I need to walk daily in gratitude, and it would be nice to think of every day as a happy interdependence day.

Even if you're not inspired to whip up your own creation by the beautiful products available through the linked sites, you can at least purchase something, knowing you are supporting other artisans.  Below is an excerpt from the site and describes what most of the linked sites offer as well.

My husband shared a poem with me referenced in a Zen book he liked very much by Charlotte Joko Beck called Nothing Special: Living Zen.  It's a poem by WH Auden:

We would rather be ruined than changed

We would rather die in our dread

Than climb the cross of the moment

And let our illusions die.

Searching for the poem, I found that it is often quoted, for motivational purposes, Zen talks and literary purposes, to name a few.  Perhaps I've heard or read it before myself.  But I believe that important words cross our paths at different points in our life with particular relevance.  Last week, it might not have spoken to me in the way it did today, and it may not reverberate for me next month, either.  So this day, how is it significant for me?  Does it speak to you, too?

I think I have made great strides in accepting change, facing death.  Something happens every day where I have a choice to be bull-headed and go forward with my horns or let the ego die another death, take another blow.  Of course, some times it's easier than others to take the proverbial higher road, but that isn't always the case.

There are changes I still want to make, changes that my ego isn't prepared for and is applying all resistance toward.  My illusions hold strong, my dread ever present.  I want to have what I have, live the way I live, says one part of me.  You don't need all this, for there is a better way to live, more healthy, less debt and attachments, says the other.  I don't think I need to emphasize which part represents which.  This dichotomy epitomizes many of my struggles, grand epic battles that are seemingly brought up weekly if not daily.

I daresay that when people (including myself) talk about true balance, what we might mean is a balance of the inner struggles, a balance between mind, body and soul.  Complete harmony, I would imagine, would be a balance between the three yet where the mind doesn't represent the "i" ego but the true I, the Self.  Your balance, your harmony, is possible because you have let go of your illusions, experience the moments for what they are, accepting at once your limitations and infinite possibilities and potentialities.  Ah, isn't it pretty to think so?

Our lives are mere dreams when we live enshrouded in our illusions, living solely in the mirror.  When we can let go of what we think we see and live here and now, we dare to live this life for what it is -- the real thing.

Feel free to comment, share your thoughts and experiences, even disagree if you feel so inclined.  Blessed be.

Today I've felt the inclination to attempt a new sewing project.  I have material out that I envision becoming a skirt.  Here are some links that will serve as inspiration.  I love wearing a long, roomy skirt.  It at once enhances your femininity and makes you look "dressed up" even if you're only wearing it because it's comfy.

• MissTwiss blog showing her bustle skirt
• An easy-sew pattern for another bustle skirt
• Link to inspirational clothing site Calypso (per MissTwiss)

My other sewing option is a baby's quilt -- the one for my almost two-year-old!  All in due time.

While I'm gathering up the momentum to whip up a complete project, I am enjoying reading The Feminine Face of God.  Wonderful read thus far, and I'm only half-way through. I'll elaborate later when I'm finished.

Enjoy whatever projects you devote your time and energy toward!